I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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