i need an iv and a liver transplant
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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