i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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