You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
