She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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