New low: just hacked my moms facebook
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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