some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
