Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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