I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
