I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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