Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
