i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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