what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
