i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
