I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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