My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
