you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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