have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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