whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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