hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just gift wrapped bread.
sarcasm needs its own font
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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