I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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