Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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