i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
