I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
