the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
