We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
