My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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