did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
