Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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