I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
