I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
