My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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