My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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