There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
