No stitches, just platelets and will power
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
