you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
