I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
