okay pat passed out under dana's car
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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