Cold hands, warm shart.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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