i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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