Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
