When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
