Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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