i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You pole danced in your parka.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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