I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
