college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need to calm my uterus...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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