Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
