All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
