I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
