don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
