just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
