You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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